Princesses Don't Marry Convicts
by Charlie'sLostVampire
Summary: It's the day of Rapunzel's coronation, and it causes Eugene to come to some slightly painful realizations. Told from his POV. Rated K for language.


It was finally here; Blondie's big day. The day she'd only been talking about non-stop for the past three weeks; her coronation. Of course, if you ask me, it wasn't really necessary; she was already the princess. She'd just been… well, lost.

I'd never really been one for ceremonies; in fact, I hated them. They were always so long, and boring, and seemingly endless… but I'd force myself to stay attentive through this one; purely because, if anything, Rapunzel deserved to be acknowledged as a princess.

Okay, so I take the first part back; this was all totally necessary; the flowers, the choir, the big puffy dress; all of it. After being locked away in a tower for the first eighteen years of her life, Blondie deserved a big celebration to commemorate her freedom. Especially since this time she didn't have to worry about her mother breathing down her neck.

But I did.

"Eugene! Euuuuuuugene! Oh, there you are! I've been scouring the castle for you all morning! I couldn't find you anywhere!"

"That's because I was hiding from you…" I mutter in a sing-songy voice as Queen Eleanor rushes toward me, turning on my heel to face her.

"What was that?" she asks, and I flash my brilliant smile, shaking my head.

"Nothing! What can I do for ya, Queeny?"

Pausing for a moment to catch her breath, she quickly launches herself into an explanation. "I need your help," she all but groans, clearly flabbergasted by something, and I arch an eyebrow. Why would the queen of Corona need _my_ help; me, of all people? The only reason I wasn't headless at the moment was because Rapunzel had begged her father to spare me.

"With… what?" I ask a bit cautiously, glancing around before taking a step closer.

Shaking her head, she places a hand over the bodice of her purple dress, grabbing me by the collar of my black vest and tugging me closer.

"Where is she? Where's Rapunzel?"

My hazel eyes widening, I give a quick shake of my head. Let me tell you; when I first laid eyes on this lady, I never expected her to act the way she frequently did. In public, she was the image of perfection; poised and proper in every way. But when you got her alone, and if you got her angry enough, she was downright terrifying. It wasn't hard to tell whose side of the family Rapunzel got her attitude from.

"I-I don't know!" I stammer a bit, carefully pushing her hands aside and straightening out my clothes before pausing, my head snapping up. "Wait, what? I thought she was with you!"

"I haven't seen her since this morning," Eleanor remarks, shaking her head. "_I_ thought she was with _you_."

Blinking, I continue to look at her with disbelief for a few more moments. If Rapunzel wasn't with me, and her mother hadn't seen her for hours…

_…where was she?_

"Rapunzel?!"

Whirling around, I dash down the hall in the direction I had come, a thousand terrible thoughts running through my head. What if Gothel wasn't as dead as we'd all assumed? What if she came back and took Rapunzel, or worse; _what if she killed her? _

Then there was the fact that Blondie still wasn't used to the fact that not all men were… quite as charming as I. Who knows what kind of trouble her naivety could have gotten her into? Oh, _damn it…_

"Rapunzel!"

I had to have poked my head into nearly every room in the castle, yelling her name louder and louder, when I finally stumble across a door I'd never noticed before. Evidently, it was normally hidden by one of the many tapestries filling the hall, each a deep purple with that same yellow sun pattern. Tugging the door open, I frown with confusion when I find myself staring at a tall spiral stone staircase. A… tower? She wouldn't have gone up here…

"Rapunzel?"

Finally, my searching is rewarded by the sound of quiet crying as I grow closer to the top, and I pull the door open a bit hesitantly to poke my head inside.

"Blondie? You okay…?"

_Moron,_ the voice inside my head hisses at me, _does she look okay to you?_

No. Long story short, she didn't. There, sat on the floor in the center of the room, was the girl I'd been searching for alright, but she was far from okay. She was currently crying somewhat hysterically into a pair of gold silk gloves, her short mess of hair falling into her face in the process. I couldn't help constantly cursing myself for the job I'd done on it; even if she claimed it suited her, I knew she wished it were just a bit longer; reasonable, like her mother's. The worst part was that it would never grow back. But hey; considering I did it while I was dying, I don't think it's _that _bad…

Okay, so it's awful. Get over it. Moving on!

So, upon finding my fair maiden in the tower; the absolute last place I'd expected her to be on today of all days; I walked up behind her and knelt down, clearly concerned.

"What's the matter?" I asked, a small frown pulling at my lips as I shake my head. "It's your big day! Why the tears?"

Sniffling miserably, she shook her head, lowering the gloves from her face to look at me with those big, tearful green eyes. "That's just it," she croaked, shaking her head as she quivered in her voluminous gold and yellow shimmering ball gown (how did she even fit through the door in this thing?), "It's my _big_ day. The people in this kingdom have been waiting _eighteen years _for this day…"

"All the more reason to celebrate," I remark, furrowing my brow as I gently take her chin in my hand. "What's on your mind, Blondie?"

Her lip quivering, she gazes helplessly up at me, and I can see that glimmer of the child that still burned bright within her, shining through in everything she did. "What if they don't like me?" she asks quietly, fear laced in her voice. "What if, after waiting all this time for me… I'm a disappointment?"

"Well, now that's just ridiculous," I remark, practically scoffing as I wave a dismissive hand through the air. "They're gonna love you! Who wouldn't?"

"How would you know?" she groaned miserably, hiding her face again in her puffy skirt. "I've only met a handful of people in my entire life! You can't judge an entire kingdom's opinion on how many cupcakes Attila makes for me every week!"

"Why can't you? If _thugs_ like you, Blondie, then so will- _gah! Hey!" _

My eyes widening when the familiar moist feeling fills my ear, I swat Pascal off my shoulder and glare down at the chameleon.

"Dang it, frog; can't you see I'm trying to help here?"

"He's not a frog," Rapunzel reminds me for what had to be the hundredth time, picking up the lizard and placing him on her own shoulder. "He's a _chameleon_."

"Frog, chameleon; big whoop. Either way they're slimy and do disgusting things with their tongues."

Making a face, I insert my pinky-finger into my ear, attempting to rid it of the mucus Pascal so graciously gifted to me. Glancing up from my task when Rapunzel stands, I watch as she crosses over to the mirror across the small, circular room, a small frown pulling at her lips as she analyzes her reflection.

"What do you see?" she asks timidly, and I blink as I rise as well, moving to stand behind her and placing my hands on her forearms, my tone gentler and more serious than before.

"I see… something incredible," I state with a small shrug, continuing. "I see a girl that can light up any room simply by stepping into it, and I see someone entirely selfless, who would risk her own life for another… who, frankly, didn't deserve the gesture."

Shaking my head, I turn her around to face me, wiping away the tears beneath her eyes with my thumb. "I see a girl who had a dream, and stopped at nothing until it came true. I see someone brave, and brilliant, kind and _beautiful…_" Grinning faintly, I cup her cheek in my hand, tilting my head. "If that doesn't make up the qualities of the perfect princess… I don't know what does."

Shaking her head, she leans forward and presses her forehead to my chest, taking a shaky breath. "You did deserve the gesture," she remarks in a muffled tone, wrapping her dainty arms around my waist, "If it weren't for you, I'd still be locked up, a slave in that tower for the rest of my life."

Sighing, I kiss the top of her head, absently running a hand through her short hair. It had become a habit; as if it assured me that she really was still here, and that it hadn't all been some twisted dream I had before I died.

"Your mother's worried sick, you know," I state, pulling back just enough to peek down at her. "We should _probably_ get down there before you miss your own coronation."

Her smile slipping, I see her nerves return. A part of me worried that she may be contemplating hurling herself out the tower window, I choose to sweep her up into my arms, enormous dress and all, and carry her down the staircase, grinning faintly to myself as she wiggles helplessly with complaint.

"Eugene! Put me down!"

"Ah, ah, ah; let's not forget that you hit me in the head with a frying pan, multiple times, and then shoved me in your closet."

"Because you broke into my tower!" she objects, and I snort.

"Still! I'm just trying to be a good samaritan here."

"Since when, exactly?" she asks, wiggling again, and I set her on her feet when we reach the bottom of the stairs, closing the door behind us and allowing the tapestry to fall back into place.

"Since your mother is even more terrifying than you are, and I rather like my head being attached to my body," I explain, ushering her down the hall and toward the throne room. "Quick, quick; your loyal subjects await!"

"_Eugene,_" she complains, doing her best to resist my pushing as she digs the heels of her gold slippers into the polished floor. "I can't do this!"

"You can," I insist, stopping for a moment and grabbing her arm when she tries to make a run for it. "The people already love you, Rapunzel; or have you forgotten all about the last floating lanterns festival?"

Pausing, she seems to contemplate my words_. Had_ she forgotten about that? In all her fear and nervousness, had she genuinely forgotten how happy she'd made everyone that day, with the dancing and the braiding and all that jazz?

"I…" she mumbles, and I shake my head as I give her a gentle push through the door.

"You'll be fine, Blondie," I assure her, taking her arm and leading her over to where her father and mother were waiting in the shadows at the top of the grand staircase.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Eleanor gushes, hugging her tightly, and Rapunzel quickly wiggles free, grabbing my arm before I can go to join the others in the crowd.

"Eugene has to crown me!" she says rashly, and both myself and King Lucas gape at her with wide eyes and cry, "_What?_"

"Eugene has to crown me," she repeats more slowly, shaking her head. "I can't get up there by myself… I need him with me…"

"Can I even do that?" I ask, and Eleanor turns to her husband, repeating my question.

"Can he even _do_ that?"

It was no secret that good old King Lucas didn't care for me. In fact, I'm pretty sure he hated me. He had every reason to; first I stole his daughter's crown, and then I _actually_ stole his daughter; figuratively speaking, of course. Her heart; I stole his daughter's heart. He wasn't too keen on the fact that his lost princess wasn't going to let him behead the most wanted thief in the land. But, like anyone else, Kingy had his weaknesses.

"Please, Daddy," Rapunzel all but begs, grabbing his hands with desperate eyes. "Please, please, _please;_ don't make me do this without him…"

"Blondie, I'll be right in the front row…" I remind her, and she whirls around and grabs my arms.

"If you care about me at all, you'll do this for me," she pleads, and the look in her eyes was enough that I nod.

"Okay, okay; I'll do it…"

"You most certainly…!" King Lucas begins to shout, but he deflates when Rapunzel turns on him with her big green eyes and quivering lip, "…will. You most certainly will…"

Smiling happily with relief, Rapunzel claps and pulls me into a tight hug, and I grin a bit, patting her back as her father groans and descends the staircase with Queen Eleanor.

"Ready for this?" I ask under my breath as her father begins to speak to the crowd below, and I can practically hear her heart beating in her chest as Rapunzel shakes her head.

"No… Not at all…"

Arching an eyebrow, I lean forward a bit and whisper in her ear, "If it helps, just picture everyone in their underwear."

Blushing brilliantly, she peeks up at me from beneath her lashes, whispering in return, "Even you?"

Shrugging, I smirk, my hand wandering to press reassuringly to the small of her back. "If it helps…"

"…_my absolute joy to present, after years upon years of waiting, your princess!_"

"That's your cue, princess," I remark with a grin, shock plastering across my face when she promptly links arms with me and drags me toward the stairs with her. This wouldn't go over well with his majesty…

Flashing a smile, I walk arm in arm down the long staircase with Rapunzel, clearly hearing the less than enthused response of, "…and… her escort, Flynn Rider."

There was a surprised murmur amongst the audience that I easily ignore, moving to stand before Blondie's royal parents with her at my side, blinking with a sudden sense of irony when Eleanor places that all too familiar tiara in my hands. It was kind of symbolic, I supposed; I'd taken it from where it didn't really belong in the first place, and returned it to the head it should be upon. Now, I was the one really putting it there. Not only was I welcoming the crown, but I was also welcoming Rapunzel home. _Me,_ of all people…

But, I'd read enough of these sorts of stories in the orphanage; I knew how this kind of thing worked.

"Rapunzel," I say seriously, staring into those endless green eyes as the chatter throughout the room dies off. "Do you solemnly swear to honor this kingdom, and your family, so long as you wear this crown?"

Swallowing a lump in her throat, I watch as she nods a bit timidly, stepping the smallest amount closer to me. "I swear," she says softly, and I had a feeling that hardly anyone had heard her.

"And do you swear to be gracious and kind, and someday rule over these witnesses with a fair hand?"

Blinking, she nods, glancing out at the hundreds of faces watching our every move. She clearly recognized a few of them, such as the redheaded girls and their families, for she ended up smiling softly and nodding again, her voice a bit louder and more certain this time as she says, "I swear."

"And finally, do you swear to do all in your power to maintain the peace between the kingdoms, and keep these witnesses safe from harm to the best of your ability?"

Nodding, she gives me a smile, and I can't help but return it when she says with absolute certainty, "I swear."

Now it was my turn to falter. This was it; the moment of truth. The moment when Rapunzel would go from being my Blondie; mine and mine alone, my tower girl; to a princess of the people, loved and adored by all. Hell; for all I knew, I could be signing her up at this very moment for some betrothal to another man. A prince, more worthy of her than I could ever be…

"Then I proudly, and honorably, dub thee… Princess Rapunzel of Corona."

Stepping forward, I gently place the glittering tiara upon her head, my hand absently grazing her short brown hair before I step back and bow, an eruption of applause breaking out within the room from the audience, each honoring their lost princess with a joyous and wondrous welcome. Smiling faintly as I straighten out, I watch as she turns to face everyone, certain I'd never seen her glow quite so much. Everyone loved her… She didn't need a lowly old thief anymore.

As silent and stealthy as a mouse, I slip out of sight and down one of the hallways to the side of the stairs, making myself scarce. Rapunzel didn't need her image tainted by the unpleasant presence of a crook. People were bound to talk…

I was nearly to the end of the hall when the clicking of heels on stone make me pause, turning quickly when a cry of, "Eugene!" sounds behind me.

"Blondie? What are you doing? You should be out there, basking in glory and the happiness you deserve."

Shaking my head, I frown with confusion when she rushes forward, tripping on her heavy skirt at the last moment and crashing into my arms, the tiara on her head falling crooked.

"Where are you going?" she asks quietly with a small, almost hurt frown, and my grip on her waist instantly tightens. I hated seeing her hurting…

"I doubt Daddy Dearest wanted me lingering around any longer than necessary," I remind her, and she shakes her head, a pout pulling at her lips.

"I don't care what he wants," she replies huffily, standing up properly and straightening out her crown. "I'm the princess, and I order you to stay."

Her smile is that usual playfully cheeky one she possessed around me and it's almost contagious, but I have to restrain myself. I couldn't give her false hope; there was no way we could be together. Her father hated me, I had a criminal record, and I sure as hell wasn't king material.

"Blondi-," halting in my words, I shake my head and opt to use her real name instead. "Rapunzel… I can't. It's not just him, it's everyone. Princesses don't marry convicts. It just… doesn't work that way."

"But…" Shaking her head, her green eyes widen and promptly begin to water. "You want to marry me…?"

Taking a breath, I heave it out in a sigh and run an anxious hand through my hair. Don't let her cry, don't let her cry, don't let her _cry… _"Of course I do. But no one will ever let me. I'm sorry, Rapunzel; it's best if I just… go now, and save us both the pain."

"No…" Her voice quivering, she hurries forward again when I turn and start to walk, grabbing my arm. "No, you can't…! Eugene, if you leave, then I'll have to marry someone else, and I don't want to marry someone else, because I want to marry _you_…"

"That's the thing," I state with a shrug, trying to appear in less pain over all of this than I truly was. "We can't I always get everything we want. You wanted to be with your real family… you got that wish. But, to keep it… sometimes you have to cut a few strings loose."

I move to turn again, but her voice stops me. "None of this was what I wanted!" she cries, as though it should be obvious to me, and I can hear the tears in her voice. "You were my new dream! I didn't care about being a princess, or castles, or this _stupid crown_…"

Ripping it from her head, she lets it fall carelessly to the floor, rushing forward and throwing her arms around me tightly, sobbing hysterically into my shoulder. "All I want is _you_…"

"Rapunzel…" I say weakly, gently prying her off of me. "Rapunzel, _stop_…"

"No!" Objecting furiously through her quivering sobs, she shakes her head. "What's the matter with you? I thought you wanted this, too! Now all of a sudden you want to _leave_…?"

"Because I love you!" I say with exasperation, shaking my head. "I love you, alright? I love you, and I don't want to ruin your life, Rapunzel. We can never be together in this place, and _this_ is where you belong. If we leave here now, I'll be prosecuted for the kidnapping of the princess, and then they'll kill me on the spot and drag you right back here. Either way, we can't live happily ever after; no matter how much that _is_ my dream. I hate to be the one to tell you this, Blondie, but dreams don't always turn out the way you'd hoped that they would."

"This isn't a dream…" she whimpers shakily, sinking to the ground, her skirts pooling around her as tears run down her cheeks. "This is a nightmare… I feel more trapped than I ever did in the tower…"

Choking on a sob, I watch miserably as she shakes her head, desperation in her eyes as she looks up at me again. "Don't leave me here to live a life of unhappiness and then die, Eugene… I'd rather be locked up in that tower forever…"

Groaning, I drop to my knees and tug her into my arms, cradling her in my lap as she cries into my chest. I was an idiot. I let this go on for too long, and now her heart was breaking just as badly as mine was…

"Rapunzel, I…"

"Silence."

Both of us jumping, we look up at the sound of King Lucas's deep voice, and my stomach drops. What was he planning to do, now? Have me hung for hurting Rapunzel's feelings?

"I'll go," I say quickly, shaking my head. "Just… make sure she gets the life she deserves…"

"No… No, Eugene, no!" she wails, clutching my vest, and I pause and attempting to unwrap her fingers when her father speaks again.

"That will not be necessary."

"I… wait… what?"

Blinking rapidly, I stared up at the king with utter disbelief. Was this guy for real? He spends weeks making sure I know how much he despises me, and now when I offer to leave, he tells me not to? That could only mean one thing… Clutching my throat, I shake my head.

"Oh, come on! Death? Really? I didn't do anything this ti-"

"I said silence, Rider!" he snaps at me, and I hold up a finger.

"It's Fitzherbert, actually. You see, Flynn Rider was this guy in these stories I used to read in the orphanage, and…" Trailing off when I notice his glare, I drop my hand. "Right. Silence. Got it."

Clearing his throat, he gestures for us both to stand, and we do so, Rapunzel not loosening her grip on me.

"Daddy, please don't make him go! I love him…!"

Holding up a hand for her to be quiet, Rapunzel weakly does so, and Lucas continues.

"I know you do," he says, fighting back a sigh. "I'm old, Rapunzel; too old to go through the process of finding the proper suitor to take care of you when I'm gone."

Both Rapunzel and I stare quizzically at him, waiting for him to continue.

"Thus…" he says slowly, and I can't help but notice it was clearly something he didn't take pleasure in explaining. "I take it up as my duty to give permission to the man most suited to protect you, to take your hand. Clearly…"

The next words are a near silent mutter, and I strain my ears to hear. "Sorry; what was that?"

"You, you nimrod!" he yells, and Rapunzel gasps a bit at his outburst, my own eyes widening. "Is it really that difficult to grasp what I'm saying? You! _You_ can marry my daughter! Make me say it again and I'll have your head!"

Blinking, I nod rapidly, my eyes still wide. "Yes, sir."

"Good. Now that that's done with…" Turning around, he starts back down the hallway, calling back, "Not a word of this to Eleanor, either! She prefers surprises…"

I continue to gape long after he rounds the corner, only snapping out of it when Rapunzel squeals and throws herself at me, sending us both toppling to the ground, her skirts successfully burying me.

"Blondie… I'm kind of in a jam here…" I mumble as she laughs happily, and I can't help but grin when she rolls over enough to allow me to move freely away from the skirts of her dress.

"See! You don't have to go!" she remarks, practically bouncing, and I repress a chuckle as I stand, pulling her to her feet.

"Up, before you ruin that dress of yours."

"Oh, dress-smess," she says flippantly, and I grin, both of falling into a pleasant silence. She really was beautiful; especially like this. Not the properly dressed princess, but the happy, messy, carefree Rapunzel that I freed from the tower. This was my Rapunzel… and boy, did I love her…

"Eugene, I-" she starts to say, but I cut her off by grabbing her and pulling her close, mashing my lips to hers. I never wanted to let her go, and I didn't plan on letting anyone take her from me ever again. She was my Blondie; no one else could have her.

Now all I needed was a ring.

Pulling back, I grin at her stunned expression and bow at the waist, offering her my hand. "Princess Rapunzel," I say formally, "Do me the honor of accompanying me to your banquet? It would be a bit rude not to show up."

Recovering from the kiss, she grins widely and takes my hand. "I couldn't agree more, Prince Eugene," she states, entwining our arms, and I grin thoughtfully, speaking aloud as we walk.

"Prince Eugene… It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

And that… is the story of how I became ruler of all the kingdoms in all of the lands in the entire world!

Nah, just kidding. But I did get a pretty sweet castle out of the deal.

Not to mention the most incredible girl I've ever met. But let me tell you; do not get a girl pregnant if she knows how to use a frying pan in thirty-seven creative ways. It won't end well. Don't do it. Don't do it-!

_**Eugene…**_

What? Oh, alright, alright. No hormone stories. Got it.

_**Thank you.**_

…for now.


End file.
